Stuck In Between

When puberty began, I went from being a fragile flower into a tall strong tree. My mother was in awe of my "beauty" and told me I should be a model, something a thirteen-year-old girl would normally push to pursue. But I was a tomboy who was too interested in Baseball and Xbox to even consider the idea. 

The older I got, the more in touch with my feminine side I became. I let my hair grow long and discovered the magical art of make-up. Photographers found something interesting about me that made them want to work with me. Naturally I felt special and accepted their offer. 

Together we created beautiful images. The more I collaborated with different artists, the better the photographs would become - telling stories through the art of photography. I also became more and more comfortable in my own skin and learned to embrace the space when I was before the camera. 

My figure became curvy and womanly, my skin wouldn't break out as bad and I developed my own sense of style. 

When people saw the photos of me, I started receiving comments online and on the street like,

"I know a model!"

"Are you a model? That's so cool!"

"You should do it professionally, you have the height!"

Wait.... what... a….model? 

That foreign word bounced around in my brain and made me sick to my stomach. 

In the deepest darkest part of my mind, that place we know but try not visit, where all our fears and insecurities live and grow if we feed them, was festering. My self-esteem lowered quickly and my thoughts grew dark.

Being associated with the term model made me feel queasy.

“Why?” Do you ask? The modelling industry is so glamorous, expensive and high fashion. Surely I’m as good as those gorgeous Victoria Secret models, right?

Wrong. In my mind, I was way too big to be a model.

I’m a C-cup, my thighs jiggle, my upper arms have excess fat and my stomach is definitely not flat. Models don’t have these attributes; to us they are living dolls with glowing skin, shiny moisturised hair and tidy nails.

I became cynical about it. Every time someone asked me if I were a model, I would tell them the same thing,

“No I’m not. I just take photos for fun. I’m too big to be a model. But it’s okay! That’s just how the fashion industry is!”

I thought by repeating these words, it would help me accept myself for who I am, but it only crossed off something I was undeniably passionate about. But I didn’t stop taking pictures.

When I was nineteen, that’s when the plus-size model phenomenon began. Where women who are size 16 and over were being recognized as beautiful, worthy figures. They are idolized for inspiring women who do not fit the bracket under a size 8.

-- I’m not shunning plus size women. I too think it’s inspiring seeing these extremely voluptuous bodies in Vogue magazine. Nor do I dislike women who are quite thin; in fact, I think they are walking pieces of art.

Am I the only one who is going to say it?

What about the women stuck in between?

Not big or small. Not normal, because who the fuck gets to define the term normal anyway? I’m talking about those who are stuck in-between. Women like me are put in this awkward position where you either have to lose 15kg or put on 15kg in order to be a successful model.

As a matter of fact, I express my confusion and anger on behalf of EVERY woman who has ever felt uneasy with their body; feeling too big, too small or despising themselves in general.

We are only starting to realise the harsh effect the media has on our body image. They tell us we are all beautiful, but how many times have the media put this into practise without categorising women like different flavours of ice-cream? We are taught to believe that the things that make us physically unique are flaws. We are conditioned to think accepting ourselves is narcissistic and hating ourselves is the best option.

Obviously no one is literally saying this is how we should feel, but the under tone is there.

Self-esteem issues are at an all time high and I blame social media, because it perpetuates the thought that external validation is the pursuit of happiness; that your happiness is measured and defined by the size of your waist.

This is not going to change, so why should we?

What needs to happen is the media needs to stop patting themselves on the back every time they introduce a new inspirational woman to the world as if they created it themselves. And we as a society need to stop buying into it.

I don’t want to be categorised I’m not going let anyone categorise me or let the media trick me into categorising myself.

I guess what I’m saying is, trust yourself, do what makes you happy and be who ever the fuck you want.

My First Ever Feature Film: RAGS

So many doors have opened for me this year in terms of my Acting career, thanks to the new skills I've developed since enrolling at the Actors College of Theatre and Television.  I made the conscious decision to not take on any roles outside of College as I wanted to better myself at my craft and delve deeper into what an actor has to do when preparing for a role.

When I felt ready, I began auditioning for projects again. Shortly after my newfound drive to act in films and theatre struck, I auditioned for a role in a Feature Film... and got it! 

The film is RAGS. It follows a group of young backpackers from different parts of the globe, who go on a ghost tour through the Australian bush and encounter the two-hundred year old ghost, Rags. One by one, they are taunted and hunted by her. 

It has a powerful female monster, plenty of blood, a sufficient amount of skin, sexy English backpackers and some added twists.

I was excited to work with Benjamin Morton, the director and writer of RAGS. He recognised me from Absolution, a short film I starred in when I was eighteen. The mutual admiration was there, as I remembered him for his confronting film P.O.V, which won The Audience Choice Awards at The Australian Horror Film Festival in 2012. 

Not to mention, he saw me at Supanova but didn't say hello... for the simple fact he couldn't recognise me under the Mystique get up!

Filming occurred throughout early July to mid August. There I met the wonderful cast and crew who made me feel welcome. I have never worked with such down to earth people! 

Oh... our characters! Where do I start? Maybe mine? 

I play Sarah, who is an uptight English girl who has been backpacking around Australia for about three months with her childhood hunky and slightly aloof crush Chris, played by the enthusiastic Ross Kupisiewics and his provocative girlfriend Anna, courageously played by new timer Scarlet Brukmann. 

Lyndsey Fay and Tim Scott.

Other members of the pack include Kenny, the faux Ghost Tour guide - that typical Aussie bloke you want to punch in the face, played hilariously by David Ross. Dean and Sam, the Chicago backpackers and long term lovers played by Alec Hall and Tim Mason Scott - Dean is quite laid back and Sam is very forward - resulting in Sarah to fall uncomfortable at times with the explicit content he so casually talks about. 

Tiffany and Melissa Bull, Jenna Bridge and Ben Morton.

I had the privilege of travelling to and from filming most days with fellow actor Tim, who quickly became my car buddy and comic relief. 

Let's not forget our strange but alluring outsiders! The petite, goth chick Mary who knows a little too much about the supernatural world - played by Housos star Victoria Ferrera. And our bubbly, loveable twins Lisa and Louise Grady - portrayed by equally loveable twins Melissa and Tiffany Bull. 

The beautiful and talented, Jenna Bridge.

And Jenna Bridge - the star of the movie! Playing the one and only, RAGS! She was a fucking cracker! Everyone told me how Jenna and I would get along so well, and I didn't believe them until the day. What a humble, talented and careless human being. Melissa and Tiffany weren't the only twins on set, that's for sure! I would love to work with Jenna again!

One of my favourite scenes to film was the beach scene where the creepy old hermit (Craig Walker) had to be... well... creepy. It certainly conveyed well on screen! I loved exploring the Australia bush and partying at Bens apartment. 

I already miss filming RAGS and I can't wait to see the final product! We will continue to submit RAGS to several festivals such as Monsterfest and Night of Horror Film Festival, with hopes of gaining as much exposure as possible!

Follow us on Facebook and support our Independent Australian Horror Flick! We can't wait to show the world what we're made of!

https://www.facebook.com/ragsmovie

Peace and Love,

Lyndsey Fay 

Hidden Beauty

We wake up in the morning, have a shower, get dressed then put on our make up. It’s been drilled into us and it’s such a normal part of our daily routine that us females don’t even notice the deep effect it has on our self-esteem. Or maybe we do notice, but we choose not to recognize it.

Seeing as I was one of the unlucky teenagers who developed redness in her face and blemishes here and there, covering up gave me solace.

About a month ago, I started breaking out around the chin area. Realistically, it wasn’t that bad for a teenager– not without the help of my trusty make-up bag. I packed it on, hoping it would make the blemishes disappear. But the more foundation I applied, the more obvious the spottiness on my face was. I was at a party and I felt super self-conscious. At the party I did my signature pose, covering my mouth with my hand. I hardly spoke to anyone that night.

I kept visiting the bathroom to check my face in the mirror. If you look into your eyes long enough and tell yourself how horribly ugly you are, you start to believe it and it hurts.

My boyfriend Jack found me and gave me that talk about how;

“You’re naturally gorgeous.”

“Why do you even wear make up? You don’t need it.”

“Shut up, you’re beautiful. You’re crazy to think otherwise.”

Night of the party: Lyndsey and Jack

I thought it was un-genuine of him, lying to try make me feel better about my looks. But I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. Initially I thought it was because boys don’t understand the usage of make up, then realized it was my mind playing tricks on me.

I’d convinced myself I was so ugly that I didn’t believe Jack, who loves and respects me, telling me I’m pretty. I’d become so dependent on make-up to fix a problem that didn’t exist.

We refuse to admit make-up attempts to give us a confidence boost, which lasts for a little while. We rely heavily on these products, but is it really our fault we are taught there is no such thing as natural beauty?

Some of us watched our moms unable to leave the house without a bit of foundation and mascara, ALL had the media constantly advertising the importance of make-up and how you’ll look like a model and most of our parents bought us young girls make-up kits from the toy store where we mucked around playing dress-ups.

Ask yourself this question;

“When is the last time I left the house with no makeup on?”

We have forgotten our true beauty; the beauty that not only is outside of ourselves, but the inside. The beauty that is self-belief and not needing a bottle of cream colored paint worth eighty dollars to make us feel externally beautiful.

If you find yourself packing on the foundation and drawing dark circles around your eyes because you don’t like what you see or you’re trying to impress people in search for validation, you’re hiding your true self.

The idea of ‘not being pretty enough’ doesn’t just happen to the young. A lot of women, young and old, suffer from insecurity.

You don’t need to throw on make up to prove a point. If anything, you’ll be proving a point by not wearing make-up! I’m not saying we have to throw all our makeup away and never wear it again. Personally I’d find that rather difficult as a performer whose career choice needs make-up as a main tool to physically get into character. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing it to enhance your features, but don’t let it control your life.

“ I am alive. I am beautiful. I am me.”

You only have one life to live, what a waste it would be to not love what you were born with? It’s time we embrace our natural beauty and our flaws and flaunt it. Radiate confidence and let the world know you’re proud of being you. Don’t worry about what other people think or say, all that matters is viewing yourself in a positive light. Give it a go; you’ll be surprised to find what an amazing person 

you are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

Peace and Love,

Lyndsey

Happy Birthday Will Ferrell!

Just wanted to write a short and sweet message to one of my idols.

HAPPY 47TH BIRTHDAY, BUTTERFLY PRINCESS WILL FERRELL!

Thank you for noticing me when I met you. Staring at me for a solid minute whilst that journalist was talking to you about... movie stuff. Must be boring at premieres unless you meet some cool Australian teenager who's drawn a seriously random artwork of you. Thank you for the chat about your imaginary tattoo on your ass, my talent as an artist and signing my sisters poster.

Thank you for being inspiring, hilarious, entertaining and humble. Please continue to make amazing films I can watch. I will always love and support your films and hope to meet you again (hopefully next time in Hollywood or even on screen together, yeah?)


You stay classy Mr. Willy Ferrell!

Peace and Love,
Lyndsey

Why I Really Cut My Hair

Hair. It’s amazing how something so normal can make up such a large portion of who we are. How it can shift our personality and make us act differently. Finding the right style is like finding yourself. Until you find the perfect one, you’re playing a character.

I’ve experimented with different colors and styles in the last year alone. I was bored and wanted to try new things. It was during my gap year after I finished high school, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I went through multiple shades of red, back to brown, to jet-black, to auburn then platinum blonde for the first time.

Being blonde was an ugly attack on my self-esteem. It was impossible to brush and kept going brassy. There were times were I felt like crying because it looked horrible and hurt every time I attempted to comb it. I splurged on expensive products made especially for blonde hair to keep it healthy, shiny and silvery. It was dyed for a film project that meant a lot to me, so I bit the bullet and dealt with the massive change. I felt like It didn’t suit me and it really affected the way I was acting. Even though I received more attention from males than ever, I didn’t feel confident in my own skin. I didn’t feel like Lyndsey.

So after I found out the film project had reached its peak, I didn’t have a second thought. There was no point dying it an artificial brown color and still have it feel like dead straw draping over my shoulders. I wasn’t into the crazy bold colors of the rainbow. I decided I was going to chop it all off.

My friends advised me not too, mainly because it would be a massive shock to them and would struggle getting use to it. I’ve had long hair most of my life, but I needed a change; and not just any change, a positive attitude adjustment that would help me shape my life.

“Are you ready?” The hairdresser asked as I sat in the chair, staring at myself in the mirror with my long golden locks.

“Do it.” I said. And with that, she took the scissors, grabbed my hair and unevenly chopped it and threw the remains on the ground. It now sat at my shoulders, a look I hadn’t seen in a decade. She waited for tears or a scream; maybe she’d experienced this before. Where some crazy teenager wanted a cut to liberate herself then regretted it five seconds afterwards.

“Are you okay?” She asked, looking at my face with concern. I simply smiled up at her and shrugged my shoulders.

“Its just hair. Shorter please.”

And that brings me to the hair I have today. Shortest I’ve ever had it, back to my natural dark brown, healthy and radiant. Using less shampoo and conditioner, not having to brush it so often, getting dressed easier, kissing my boyfriend without hair falling in his face. There are so many advantages to having short hair and I absolutely love it!

Physically it’s a big change, but so was my blonde hair. I’ve embraced the beauty of short hair and the pros that come with it. There’s something liberating about the process of cutting long hair super short.

But the main change is feeling like me again. Cutting my hair after all the crap I did to it a year earlier, symbolized a fresh start for me; a new beginning. All my worries, issues, problems and negative thoughts were chopped off and thrown in the bin. My hair is short enough that baggage can’t attach itself to me. It no longer holds me back and makes me feel ugly.

I’ve never felt more beautiful. I feel more connected to who I am as a person. I’m not worried about how my hair looks anymore because it sits out of the way naturally. I’m more focused on my character development and just doing things. As I grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally; my hair grows with me.

It’s also funny to see the cocky neighbors across the street that used to wolf whistle and hit on me whilst I was blonde, stare at me weirdly with short hair.

Whether people like it or not, is the least of my worries. I’m proud of myself for being brave and taking a leap of faith to trust my instincts and change for the better.

Peace and love. 

Lyndsey Fay

Feelin' Blue

A month ago, I attended Supanova for the first time (basically an Aussie version of Comic-con) and decided to Cosplay as one of my favourite super villains, Mystique. 

For those of you who don’t know Mystique, she’s best known for playing a popular part in the X-men universe. She’s a villain with shape-shifting abilities and is recognized for having electric blue skin and reptilian-like scales over her body. 

 I wore a blue G-string and nipple covers and covered my body in paint, sprayed my already short hair red and wore bright yellow contacts. The whole process took 8 hours (I was up at 4am!)

When my group and I finally arrived, I was honestly nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. So when I was looked at with adoring eyes and big smiles, I eased into the friendly environment in no time at all. Those who approached me to compliment the hard work put into the costume made my first con very enjoyable. 

 It took almost two hours just to get inside because people kept stopping me for photos. You can imagine how crazy it got once I was inside!

I felt like a celebrity.  It was great fun!

Photo Credit: Peter Georges

But there is a slight twist in this story...

After the convention weekend ended, everyone uploaded their photos online; tagging new friends they'd met and sharing their albums with each other. I was advised by a fellow Cosplayer that someone shared a photo of me as Mystique and complained about how inappropriate my costume was and how children shouldn’t have to see this.

....WHAT?

I don't have the firmest bum or the flattest tummy. But this has nothing to do with my feelings being insulted, which they are NOT. 

What I'm about to state is much more in depth than that.

1 # Mystique is a fictional character and in the movie she is virtually naked. Her ‘private’ parts are practically covered up, just like mine were. Her butt was on display, just like mine. X-men came out in 2000, I would have been 6 at the time. When I first watched it, I didn’t question why Mystique was naked, I questioned how one could be so bloody awesome.

2 # Sooooo many kids recognized my character and most of them wanted a photo. I had kids tell me I was their favourite and not once did they shy away from me. Why? Because kids don’t think of that shit! Kids don’t look at a tall blue painted lady and think “Oh how awful, this woman is naked, I’m so offended!” They just think “Wow that’s cool.” And at the very worst, a kid would probably ask “Mommy, why can I see the ladies bum bum?"
     

3 # Why are we speaking for the children? Let them speak for themselves! I didn’t force myself in any child’s face. I didn’t walk around and act promiscuously. Like everyone else, I was in character. And if your child knows who Mystique is, that means they’ve seen X-men, which means they know Mystique, which means they know she's blue and partially nude. Logic. Get some.

And for those who were at Supanova in Sydney on Saturday the 14th of June, I wore a brown coat when I wasn’t taking photos so I was still very aware of the people around me.

Look, I completely and utterly understand how and why some people were up in arms about my costume. Everyone has the right to say what they feel, even if we don't see eye to eye. It's inevitable in life that these situations happen, where someone is offended. But if I lived my life dodging everybody's fears and hates, I wouldn't be developing as a human being.

      But I need to have a say in the matter as well, and I need space to grow too. Mistakes to learn from, people to seek advice from, chances to take, criticism to cop etc. 

I am proud of my efforts in becoming Mystique. Cosplay is expensive, time consuming and a hobby. It’s an interest shared by people all over the world and the last thing we need is to be bullied, especially by one another and especially for someone like me who is brand new to this incredibly colourful  universe.

 So next time you see a girl walking around as a character at a convention that’s quite daring, give her props and make her feel like a Goddess. She deserves recognition. Not hate. 

At least that's another thing ticked off my bucket list. Cosplay as Mystique - Check!

Photo Credit: Peter Georges (www.petergeorges.com.au)

      Peace and Love

      Lyndsey Fay x